*names omitted*

Last night took me right back to memories I’ve suppressed from childhood.

I was hanging out with an acquaintance and his girlfriend. They were just in town for the night and we were just relaxing before a big event. I’ve never seen anyone react to bud this way but he got volatile and had an episode. There was no control in him. It started with deja vu. People have deja vu all the time, but he went from talking about deja vu to acting out scenes in his mind. Depictions of what he thought he was mean to do.

First this meant running and jumping then screaming and backflips into the couch and wall. He’d crash into the floor or wall endangering himself. His girlfriend tried to calm him down and talk him out of it. She threw a cup of water at his face. And shook him. At first he seemed to be back. She told him that he was scaring her. I tried too. I hugged him and told him that he was scaring us and that he needed to calm down because we didn’t know what to do.

He went even crazier the second time. As it happened I saw his eyes go dark.

It’s what happens when a fighter is deep in the the fight. They call it blackout. You go into survival mode. Those are the worst people to fight because they don’t feel pain. It’s all instinct. When my dad would get angry he had a blackout mode. I was scared for myself and for her. Both of us had tried to calm him down, but he got physical with both of us. When I held him earlier he was gripping my wrists and tightening his fists.

I had to restrain him.

I had to restrain a grown man because he was going crazy in my apartment. I subdued him until the EMT’s could arrive and take him to the hospital. In the midst of all this his girlfriend was calling all of her friends trying to figure out what to do causing more hysteria.

Mortifying. There’s no other way to describe last night. It took me right back to being a kid.

I lost my sense of security in a way that I hadn’t since I was a kid watching my dad lose it on my mom. When I was a kid my father would freak out on everyone. He’d go especially crazy on my mom. And in my later years, after 8 or 9, I actively engaged him and stepped in his way. Last night pulled me back to a time that I gripped his bicep as tightly as I could, only to be tossed into a wall watching him continue in pursuit.

My mom always took it in stride, but she adopted such a negative outlook. She would say this is what my life is. This is what I have to live with. Eventually some light shone through and she let my dad go. Thanks to hold boldness I was able to make a different choice and seek life with calm, control and mitigated risk.

I tucked these memories and so many traumas of the past into the back of my mind. Yet they resurface in the aftermath of last night. Now that they are back in my concious I more clearly understand why I seek happy people, love to live untethered to anything and actively look to build relationships with people that I consider good, healthy and in-control.

The last few weeks have been a hailstorm, but yesterday was traumatic.

When it rains it pours. Sometimes I feel stuck. I can often stumble into thinking maybe my mom was rightmaybe life is just either good or bad, but luck won’t let us sit in one for too long. Imagine growing up thinking that not only do you not deserve good things, but that once you have them you’ll be stripped from you. Young adulthood was unlearning those tendencies. Through the night and into the day my minds floodgates opened and scary memories poured in. To cope I made a few stops on my way back home. Places here in New York that I have found solitude in since childhood.

I can’t ask anyone to see from my eyes, but I hope there’s someone out there willing to try. As for last night, the only person that can relate to last night is his girlfriend. The gravity of fear we felt was unparalleled. I lived that with her.

It’s impacted me deeply and I’m disturbed on levels. But mama didn’t raise no fool.

Everything happens for a reason.

 

(He’s okay now–we spoke on the phone earlier this evening.)

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